I know it's depressing and unproductive to talk about it, but i just need to say how depressed I am and how completely sick of it I am. I thought I could manage it, find a way through it without anti depressants and for about 6 weeks I did feel heaps better, but now I just seem to be back to the old pitch, crying all the time, not able to find a programme to occupy myself with during the day. Etc etc etc. it's so very boring.
Maybe there is a solution. Maybe I just need to wade through the floods of tears and eventually I'll come out the other side. But right about I am just nearly prepared to give up and get back on the drugs.
Hope everyone else is having a better day than me!
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Oh boy. Not good to hear Chrissie.
Do you know what underpins it...chemistry, grief,traumas etc?
One of my sisters is in neuropsych in the UK and she swears anti depressants are great for relieving that kind of pain. I have a background in similar stuff...I reckon try everything...
You are in good company...William Styron, Churchill, and on and on...Not that it helps, huh?
William Styron wrote a great book about battling depression and its nature. One of the best. And, there's another book, "Taming the Black Dog" by Bev Aisbett that may help. A handbook of sorts.
But I reckon don't suffer too much on your own...I can tell from your blog that you have the kind of stuff this world needs. Get the support/help/knowledge you need and deserve.
And, treat yourself like a queen while doing it.
Sontag
thankyou, sontag, for your kind words of support and suggestions. it's funny, isn't it, but when people say nice things it should help me to feel better, but when i'm feeling like shit it just makes me sad that i can't actually be in the world, and give what i'd like to.
i have been on a-d's for about 7 years, and i really want to find my place without them. i will try and struggle on a bit longer, and do simple stuff like walking and yoga and being around people. it is too easy at the moment to forget the simple things.
today i feel a bit better, and have some fantastic friends who are able to give me the time and support that i need.
so i know and believe that this time will pass.
and i guess i just have to accept who i am, crap biology and all.
Yep, I hear you. Depression is a funny animal. Keeps the world at bay.
Still, I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little better ...and supported ...and I hope the sun keeps rising just that bit brighter for you each day...
Having been really depressed many times myself, I relate to what you are saying. As I have got older, the length and intensity of depressive bouts has decreased, also with understanding of the path I am on. But, no platitudes here....now I say to myself: 'well, I am just going to sit in this bloody black hole as long as it takes'. And the good news is - nothing stays the same. That's an archetypal law.
You gotta get friendly with your demons, you gotta learn to love them, stop trying to banish them. They are trying to tell you something.
It is the most difficult thing to face the dark side, particularly in a culture that actually creates 'schisms' in peoples' psyches by denying it. Read the Black Sun, by Stanton Marlan. (I can't lend you my copy as it is one of my texts for study but I reckon you could order it through the library).
I know lots about this subject - my life has been an experiential study into the dark side of the psyche. Check some of the older posts on my blog. And unless you are suicidal, stay off the fucking drugs. They only delay the process.
http://michellefrantom.blogspot.com/
thanks michelle,
i am still off the drugs, and thanks for the encouragement. i was really not wanting to go back to them, but to get through this one cleanly. i jus have to go into the shit - it can't last forever, and i think that i have to go right to the bottom to see what it is i'm afraid of. i did hit a really low point about a week ago, and now i seem to be coming back up. it's a struggle, but it has made me realise that i need to be kinder to myself- a platitude, i thought, that i've never really understood before. a lot of my head trip was based on false assumptions and misinformation, and now i'm starting to see it for what it really was. which is a big pile of shit i don't need.
i'm glad to say that things are a lot brighter now. and i can start writing again, which feels good!
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